Thursday, February 26, 2009


Do you like the concept of enduring to the end?  Not me.  I don't like it at all.  I like my trials to have a clear and preferably near completion date.  When Larry was in grad school, he'd have some crazy, obnoxious schedules some quarters.  But, as we used to say, you can so anything for 11 weeks.

I'm not as good at, say, long term health problems, which both my husband and I have.  I'm not as good either, at long term financial struggles, which we are facing again now after years of stability and even prosperity.  The health problems are slightly more manageable as they have a clear end-date.  Even though that date is likely death.  But I know.  I can buckle down and deal.

The finances?  We keep thinking we are turning a corner, and then the bottom begins to fall out again.  We are at one of those corners right now.  I am trying to be grateful.  But I am fearful that it will not last.  We also just moved into a beautiful new house that we built.  When we started, we were planning well below our means.  Now?  We really shouldn't be affording this.  Takes too much from the business.  I should be enjoying this house and feeling gratitude for it.  I sort of do, but the overpowering emotions?  Fear and guilt.

Where is the blessing in this story?  Well, I'm not sure yet, to be honest.  I'm sure it will come.  I just don't know when.  I don't even know if this downturn is the trial itself, or if there is a bigger crash ahead.  I am trying to remember that it is our family and the gospel that matter.  That's not easy as I unpack and wonder if I'll be packing up again soon with everything lost.

I will endure.  I have no choice, really.  It's how I endure that will make the difference.  I fear I'm not doing famously at this point, largely because of the potentially far and certainly unclear ending.  We are not making choices yet assuming that things will never pick up.  They'd be too drastic still.  I don't know when that time will come, if ever.

So I think my aim is to be on the ball with my responsibilities and happy.  That's the aim.  Now to the hard part, to the "go and do" part.  Wish me luck enduring.  I wish you the same.